Burn It All Down
For a few months every time I would start ruminating on aspects of my life, which if I am being honest were mostly negative in context, a phrase would continue to find its way to the forefront… BURN IT ALL DOWN! Just the thought of metaphorically take a lit torch to my life and setting every part of it ablaze would bring me the slightest feeling of relief.
I would imagine the scene, fire all around and me being very Angela Bassett smoking a cigarette while smirking. The fact was, shit was hard. Work, school, home, friends, love-life…. Just fucking hard. I felt exhausted, and the thought of just starting completely over seemed to be the only option that I remotely had the strength for. Not only was everything feeling insurmountable, but it also did not even feel worth fighting for. There were only two things I wanted to keep in the equation of my life: my dogs and graduate school.
I took a week off work during this time, and something happened. Life was easier. Not having 3am wake up times to commute the 130 plus miles to work, not missing my bed, having time to be productive, and not having to really worry about my bank account showed me that my life could actually be enjoyed. I had forgotten that. How do we forget that? How can we get so entirely caught up in the chaos of our lives that we forget it is something meant to be enjoyed? I realized I was not “living”, but instead I was going. Going, and doing. Rinse and repeat.
Having that week of clarity, I knew that I really did want to burn it all down. A knowing came from deep within me that no matter what life was going to look like a year, ten years, hell even 6 months from now, that the way I was operating was 1) not sustainable and 2) just not fucking worth it. So… I burnt it all down.
I went to a lawyer’s office filed Chapter 7 bankruptcy, and quit my job. Dramatic right? Now to top it off, I did it all with a smile. The usual perception about filing bankruptcy is that the person doing so has failed. That they cannot manage money. They have bad credit. They are uneducated. That they should be felt bad for. Let me say, for me, non of this is true. The perception that I took the easy way out of my situation is also not true. Not only was I throwing a grenade at my credit score, but I was giving up my car. I was shelling out 2k to dissolve my good standing in a system that some federal entity decided was the way to purchase almost anything in this country. I was also quitting a job I had had for 4 years, and leaving cheap benefits, 401k, and solid, loving work friendships.
None of that was important to me anymore. Looking good on paper. Following systematic, unspoken guidelines, and status quo bullshit had gotten me where I was. Drowning. Unhappy. Lost. I was fighting so hard for a life I was not even enjoying. To what? Look good to all the other people not paying bills, writing my papers, and feeding my dogs?
Here is the good part, I promise. Almost instantly, instantly that I made those decisions I could breath again. The internship I was working on landing was confirmed the day after putting in my notice at work. Then in 48 hours after leaving the lawyer’s office I was hired at a job that only required two days of my week. This meant I could be completely open for the internship required for graduation. It meant I would have time to be at home.
Moral of the story: I learned that sometimes we really have to stop fighting. We have to let go of the thing, some of the things, or ALL the things. We have to burn it down. That was the phrase I had heard for months. It was the answer my heart, my soul was giving me, but my mind just continued to brush it off. The feeling of relief I would have when I would imagine my “Waiting to Exhale” moment was my body telling me to listen. This was the first time I had ever, truly gone with what my soul was telling me. The first time I did not allow my mind to outweigh my heart. Yes, I had to make really hard choices. Choices that will impact me in the future, but I am not waking up to hard days. AND my end goal has not changed. I still get to have my dogs. I still get to graduate with my Master’s. The difference, I hope, is that I will arrive at that moment intact.
Life sucked. I was doing things that I believed would keep the suckiness at bay. We have to sometimes embrace the suck, and stop working so hard at projecting the image that we are “fine”. When we feel and hear our bodies saying “It all is too much, something has to go.”… We have to listen, grab a lighter, and burn something the fuck down.